Encourage and compliment your spouse. I encourage you to ask me for clarification, if you are not clear with my Answer. Because he is home 24/7 the bills have increased. For nearly twenty five years before the affair he had a very traditional marriage, by both of our choices. Take care. I ended up losing it through the ea, and looked damn good, yet became in the mind, of here I am looking good, yet my h still doesnt let her go. When hes wrinkly, shriveled, and losing his faculties he will know in his heart and probably mind too that he caused destruction. As a result, I feel unimportant, invisible, and alone. And honestly I have done that at times. Its also extremely exhausting and expensive. 6. If your husband feels like he cant get a break from them, itll start to take a toll on him, and he might begin distancing himself from you. I think the trap your friends fell into was set years ago. I want him to do SOMETHING, but hes happy with being on his laptop or watching the depressing news all day long. However, some people are just habitually negative and don't understand how miserable they are making themselves as well as the . Prior to our experience with infidelity Linda had always been the family organizer and planner and she did a hell of a job. my husband constantly has a headache and does suffer from migraines but refuses to go anywhere. You absolutely tell it like it is. IMHO. During a dinner with Lala and the "You're Gonna Love Me" podcast host, 36, Raquel admitted that she liked Tom, 40, but . If you can make him feel appreciated, hell spend time with you. They are NOT as unhappy as they profess themselves to be. The lack of attention you are receiving from your husband could possible be due to his attraction to someone else. If friends tend to be the parents of our kids teammates, school friends, etc. Oh, and your partner should never ask you to "stop crying" or say things like "you can't get mad." Your feelings are your feelings. At least mine was, for a while. The money he gets will be spent and gone. Don't get in a relationship where the main traits of a person irritates, you and don't expect those traits to just magically disappear just because you get married, Have a discussion where things do not move on until he starts answering questions, He gets on medication or he starts seeing someone to get his depression under control. This is separate from and at times in spite of, others around me. This can be difficult to navigate, but dont worry were here to help! This is not an all-inclusive list. Try to understand and support his new goals. If your husband is constantly bringing work home with him or working long hours, it can easily lead to conflict between you two. and we started dating. Make your moments together count. Now I am thinking of calling it quitsnever thought I would feel this way..worked so hard to keep my marriage together.but Ive been at this now for 4 years and still not sure if one day he is going to come home and say he is leaving. Then I feel hurt when he doesnt. You don't get a free pass. I have lost a lot of weight and am going to the gym but my husband cuts that down. But I fear that when you live in a kind of dull state you will gravitate towards more exciting people. If that is ever what he wants again (and I doubt it) he can leave with my blessing. If you have been in this situation you know that this will also include mental, sexual, and many other types of abuse as well. What to do if my husband doesn t want to spend time with me? He goes to bed whenever he wants and gets up whenever he wants. Ive never really figured out how to process my first marriage and all it involved. I am sure that when most of us look back they realize how little effort the cheater put into any of those things prior and during the affair. For many years I have silently said to myself (as my husband worked almost 80 hours/week and let vacation time go because he was too busy to take time off), I told myself to hang in there, itll work out at some point. In other words, I'm a good person! Without getting into too much of the details and background, it is apparent to us that they have fallen into a serious marital trap. If someone's lack of response has become a. What a shame eg, they are not going to see it. Giz, you one of the most remarkable people I have met on this journey. Time for ME to start setting the bar for my OWN self-esteem and not basing it on HIS assessment of me. Plus, he flatly turned down my request that he get counseling or even that WE get counseling. I get upset just thinking about it. Your email address will not be published. I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. While I will own my mistakes, own what I need to work on in MY life and own how I can communicate better, etc to improve my marriage, I am sick to death of the prevalent societal idea that people cheat because something is lacking at home. While it IS true that there is not a marriage on this planet that could not benefit from better communication, increased date nights and focus on each other as a couple, etc, feel free to add your wants and needs.Cheating is WRONG. 3. He never wants to go anywhere, do anything or even really spend time together. My h would tell me, he didnt want her on medication, in the next breathe he would tell me to go take medication. If youre spending more time with work, kids, or hobbies, he may feel left out. the list goes on and on and on. And here are 9 ways you can escape awkward conversations . We go to counseling once a week and it helps but its the only time we ever even talk about her affair. I loved that. They are selfishly seeking attention, with NO intention of giving up their real relationship. Maybe you have a friend or acquaintance who would love to get up and go. He's in good form from the minute he wakes up (unlike me). People value what they invest in as opposed to what they are not invested in.. She does not know our situation. Everyone makes mistakes, and your husband is no exception. there was a time he was the life of the party and now.I believe he is depressed and has seen his doctor and neurologists for his headaches but no one has told him he may suffer from depression . All lies he makes up to mess with her head. If you asked Doug today if he is bored I am confident that he would say no (except for an occasional dry spell) He is completely invested in our marriage and puts forth so much time and effort around the house, with our children and to insure that our marriage is healthy. I basically told him I understand how shamed and guilty that all made him feel, but he has done the crime and this discussion WILL come up from time to time. Will they appreciate what they have? Of course, this doesnt mean that you should never spend time with your spouse. Right now some days I just want to crawl under a rock. We are only 35 years old .i feel like he holds us back so much. Im sure my husbands girl friend was skinny and she really does think she is superior based on that. Im totally fascinated by what people have to say about infidelity and its helpful in challenging myself about what I think. All Rights Reserved. After my husband and I boarded the plane, I began my ritual of praying . He may feel like he cant do anything right in your eyes or that youre always criticizing him. She was not invested like I was. This is especially true if he notices other women and gives you compliments less often. I feel like I have to force him. For example, suppose hes always putting his buddies before you or bailing on plans because hed rather do something else. If the marriage was that fundamentally screwed up, there would be NO staying and no ability to fix it and move forward (as most people do). e. just because someone throws something down it doesnt mean you have to pick it up. Me too. And sometimes, those things come first. It can take months for them to grasp the idea that they and they alone are responsible for the choices they made and the ensuing crap storm that resulted. Veiled or overt threats, against you or them. Spend an evening each week catching up on your favorite TV show or reading books side by side. Certainly you must determine that there is nothing more serious physically going on as well. Eg If this is the case, try not to take it personally and give him the solo time he needs. Updated: June 23, 2020. Go out and start doing things you want to do. For example, if you dont share his love for football, he may feel like it would be a waste of time. I feel none of it was appreciated and he has a sense of entitlement. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. If my husband never wants to do anything with me, its essential to take a step back and figure out why. c. I need to stay true to who I am. And the selfish person cheating is fooling themselves and their affair partner to justify what they are doing. Now I have more expectations. Depression and anxiety are both exhausting illnesses, so you must take care of yourself. The affair partner wants to place the blame on the betrayed spouse. Find ways to bond over shared experiences: taking a walk, cooking dinner, going to a concert or sporting event, or playing a board game or cards together. He has become a public figure, and the repercussions are potentially enormous. The truth lies in the middle, where two selfish people made themselves look like all that and they were both stupid enough to think that someone who was willing to lie and deceive their spouse would magically be some honest, ethical person with THEM. My h was telling me on the weekend how his mistress told him, if I didnt want my children, how she would be so happy to raise them with him. I only vent here. This can lead to him wanting to distance himself from you, which isnt good for your relationship. It does not matter to whom you are referring.). Most of our friends were developed through the people we have met in those activities (those mentioned in this post excluded). I felt gutted. Your boys sound wonderful, and your husband is an idiot. First, talk to him about how youre feeling and see if theres anything he can do to change the situation. But basically things rotated around ME supporting HIM. Its a vicious cycle I see repeated on many blogs. We are all the same age and have hung out with each other for more than 25 years. If theres one thing that does not exist in a long-term marriage its that feeling of newness. Im guilty of this some what, but all cheaters will have asob story regarding why they cheat. Welcome to r/relationship_advice. if we do go to a wedding as it is an obligation he will sit and not speak to anyone and always wont to leave early. My husband doesn t want to spend time with me, is it true? All he ever wants to do is sit on the couch and watch TV. . Absolutely NOT ! Friday may 31st will be divorce day. I am asking him to step up into a role he has really never (in 26 years of marriage) had to fulfill. You have to commit, for better or worse. ULK I hate it all for everyone but I am trying to be the constant for him. But after she left, he was angry. He had ti see her because it made her feel better, then when that wasnt working anymore, lets bring mummy dearest over from overseas to help her with her attempts at getting my h away from me. As the girls got older, I was looking forward to the two of us having time together again. I work full time and my husband has been retired for 10 years. Stacy Taniguchi grew up as a Buddhist in Hawaii and joined the Church so that he could marry his girlfriend who was a Latter-day Saint. Doug, Linda, anyone elseone topic I would love to see discussed: how do you handle ti when the topic of affairs comes up in discussion with friends, etc. I agree with you. Just not appropriate to do so with anyone else. I was always the family planner and organizer too. And Im but judging her about this, Im just commenting on it. 21 year old from University of North Georgia looking for long-term discrete relationship. "Love and affection should be evident not only to you, but . Dear Carolyn: My husband does not want to spend alone time with me, leaving me feeling frustrated. First, that you need to be true to yourself and work towards the things that bring you the most joy in . Not even for the kids. But its good to know that Im not alone in feeling this way. Exercise grace I relate entirely to the one-women circus comment (except the women part-haha.) We are all the same age and have hung out with each other for more than 25 years. he says he feels indifferent even to his family. 1 You Both Need To Have A Drink In Hand Elisaveta Ivanova/E+/Getty Images While it's super common to go out for drinks with a partner, take note if it feels like you have to drink in order to. There is no reason to feel guilty if you attend a dinner with a girlfriend if your husband would prefer to not go and is fine with you attending. My parents were recent ly deceased, I had no money cause he would not work, and no where to go. Time will tell. Self-destruct, and take the easy way out. My son is starting his divorce proceedings this week and he has a 3 year old son. The outcome is a husband who is detached and less interested in being around his wife. If anyone condones cheating, or blames one of the affair partners or a spouse, you just have to wonder WHY. Its not shallow to want to be with someone who desires you. While I am not perfect, I was a loving, supportive, faithful wife. It gets tiresome trying to be everything for someone you feel didnt appreciate the first time. Here is how our date nights go: I say I think we should have some time alone, he says sure, I wait, he does nothing, I eventually text the sitter and make reservations, and we go. I have to agree. But where is my security? I have often thought about why I dragged my feet too. If we can love and forgive and we are both willing to work hard, I do believe it can be regained. Sometimes, your spouse needs some space and thats perfectly normal. My ex may have made out well with money , but I have my sons. My husband is a homebody, so am i, but i do like to go out just for an hour or (walk the dog , or take the kids to the park on their bikes). Kind of hard though. My husband never wants to hang out and just spend time with me but then gets overly butthurt when we go more than a couple days without having sex. I know the signs now, I know his tells when something is up. My husbands whore weighed roughly a hundred pounds MORE than me. Our marriage for many years was all about our kids and their activities, sports, etc. This commitment keeps me here but I dont know what kind of godly marriage this is, when he contributes no energy or time to it. Our social lives can revolve a bit too much THROUGH our kids. Fcol, its very tiresome, I guess we just have to focus on our h losing their way and were not strong enough to see their way clearly. I brought it up in marriage counseling and the counselor said if he was bored it was because he was boring. That's as good a moment as any to assess your connections and consider if your friends are just busy, or if they're brushing you off for another reason. I say grow up, be bored and count yourself lucky you have the luxury to be bored. When it comes to a conclusion my husband doesn t want to spend time with me, an affair is one of the most common reasons. I guess if Ive found any silver lining in my situation it has been establishing a value of self worth that cannot be skewed by anyone and as was said before no more blind faith. she willingly goes to counseling but I dont think think she puts much effort towards repairing our marriage. I have only ever really seen him upset/sad once in 13 years. My husband actually says he has a NEW and DEEPER appreciation of not only me and our marriage, but our family as well. I think Ive done my share. If I would have filed at the beginning I would be years ahead in of where I am now in terms of my recovery. He doesn't spend time with you anymore At one time, you and your husband were inseparable, and he always put you first. He is always focused on himself. So Im so happy for you that you have your children. You can be bored, stressed, depressed, or a whole host of other emotions on ANY given day. I saw something somewhere that research indicates that 65% or more of extramarital affairs can be directly attributed to boredom. Of course, you work. Problems arise when you leave the house early, barely speaking to or connecting with your wife before you dash out the door. I wasnt neglecting him or abusing him in any way. even if it was my high school boyfriend that I felt was my true love at the time? he says he knows I am fighting for us but he also knows me and I am just getting ready for when we divorce. In a vacation environment totally devoid of any stress, I couldn't stand to be in my husband's company. I so understand and feel the same way. I used to have a higher regard for my wedding vows but these scars will unfortunately stay with me and so be it. For years, the six of us and all of our kids would go camping and do other stuff together several times a year. There is one of three reasons . "Try not to accuse or assume." 3. Showing more affection in different ways or spending more time together may help resolve the issue. I also remember a few years ago my husband saying he would honor his boring commitment. Guess The Turd does more interesting things like eat sushi, try to look phat and fresh, and try to be a hipster. Make sure . They go into a mode of I am such a good person, it must be YOUR fault that I did such an awful thing. In answer to. Running around all dressed up, making and baking. 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